to let you know...

I actually am not using this blog anymore... since I haven't posted a blog in sooooooooo long, but I am blogging in another location:   http://samurisam.wordpress.com/

feel free to check it out....

It's so hard watching everything you love walk out the front door, wondering if you'll be able to fight for it anymore. Remembering the resolve I used to let drive me, the resolve that helped to set me free- feels far from reality. I feel used, abused, abandoned and insecure. Like the world just drop kicked me and everyone else just stopped by to stare. I can't remember love and security. The way I knew it so well before. I only see the empty hallow shell of me that continues to walk in the wrong direction and sit in my own sin. I am alone without a soul to share with. I may feel and appear comfortable, but I am not. I am scared, restless, and anxious- wondering when this will all stop. When I'll stop traveling down this path, stop making the choices that I do, stop hurting myself, stop hurting others, and I'll start to remember what I used to stand for and just stand for that no matter how weak I feel. I can't keep asking myself the questions of "how did I get here?" or "how did I get so far?" I need to get away from here- back to the place I started before there ever was a door for things to walk out of in my life.

Lets hear a "yea" for Life

Ok, so i got a job at Target as a Team Leader. I am very excited about this position and what it means for my future. The great thing about Target is that there are stores every where, so i could transfer in the future, if need be. I plan on really living it up in Winona and reveling in its wonderfulness!

I'm moved into my new apartment. For the most part, I'm settled. There are a few minor things I have to figure out. I made oatmeal for breakfast yesterday, which was good, and it was nice to make something for myself. It was the intense task of boiling milk etc...

I'm sharing a room again, but its nice. Shelli and I are good friends. She's also very creative and has decorated the room very nicely! If it were just my room, it would never look so nice. I'm very excited about living here with Shelli and with Jackie. We have great neighbors, whom i love. I really have high hopes for this year...no expectations just hopes.

There has recently been some major distasters here in southern MN with some flooding. Its incredible how I'm so close to the disaster but remain very UNAFFECTED. Its incredible the power of water and how it can destroy so much at the same time give life to vegetation and to people... it gives and takes. I have a lot of thoughts on this which I will share later. Have a beautiful day!

Well the journey continues. I am back to MN from my summer adventure in Rapid City, South Dakota. I've spent time with my family for a week and spent another week in Winona. I'm currently at my parents' packing up things as I'm heading back to Winona tomorrow to move into an apartment.

My summer in Rapid was good. It was challenging and crazy, occassionally frustrating and overwhelming but it was good. Its hard to complain because I feel so much like it was right where I was suppose to be. I learned a lot about myself and about leadership and about ministry. It was wonderful. I had some really great experiences, along with met a lot of great people. There's something so fulfilling in love other people even if you've only known them for a brief moment in time.

SO right now, I'm trying to find a job in Winona. I have an interview tomorrow. I'm nervous. I'm hoping that I can get this job. I've been told that I'm being a huge baby about applying for jobs. I think that in the past I've been so blessed with landing jobs very easily, so have to work hard for it challeneges me. I hate how that statement sounds. I know it seems like I'm a baby. Which I kind of am...

Life seems really exciting right now. I am truly very happy. There is so much unknown... but so many places to go and so many things to do.

I just realized that I really want to make a road trip out to SOuth Dakota again, to visit the Badlands etc... and go hiking. I want to have some memories with friends of SD.

Live boldly. Stand strong. Sing loud. Smile confidently. Laugh often. Love God.

Currently Listening Beauty from Pain By Superchick We Live see related

A moment of melancholy

Well, my room here at the Dugout is nearly cleaned out. I've lived in this house for the last 2 years and the time is over. Based on Dugout tradition, which will soon be broken, I'm suppose to get married within 1 year of living here. I don't think that will happen. Yet there are other traditions of this house that I hope to continue in my life-- with the girls nights and dance parties and Tequila's for chips and dip, etc... The memories are endless. I can barely remember the 1st year living here. I'd hoped to kiss a boy on this porch that I'm currently chillin in but again, it won't happen. This house has played a very huge role in my life for the last 5 years. My freshman year it was the girls living here who befriended me and hung out with me despite the fact that I was insanely quiet. I can still remember the day my heart was broken by a boy, the first real heart break, and I cried to my friends at this house. I can also remember some of the greatest conversations that ever happened taking place here at this house, in the many rooms throughout. Along with those memories, I remember the powerful prayers that took place in the living room and bedroom, prayers where the words have long been forgotten but the God who listened continues to listen and answer. Prayers that have built something inside of me that only God could be the foundation of, in any life. I am sad. Its hard to let go of this place, my home. Moving out of this place really means moving on from the college life, i think. I don't know. I'll probably cry about all of this later. I don't think all of the thoughts and feelings are sinking in quite yet-- i know the day will come and I'm sure it'll surprise me.

Anyway- this place is such a crap shoot. I love it but its nasty. No wonder I have a new fear of bugs that has been established since living in this house.

I leave for South Dakota in 2 days. I can't believe this is actually happening. It'll be good for me but I'm definitely scared. I'm really going to miss Winona and Winona people. I didn't realize how much until I was having dinner with Brandon and Carissa the other night.

Well summer here I come... ready or not, here I come.